Second Edition
Death Without Denial, Grief Without Apology: A Guide for Facing Death and Loss
Barbara K. Roberts
"There is no right way to grieve—just your way."
—Governor Barbara Roberts
Paperback Original ISBN 978-0939165-72-8
141 Pages, $15.00 Includes photos
E-Book ISBN 978-0939165-70-4
When former Oregon Governor Barbara Roberts’ husband, Frank Roberts, was dying from lung cancer, she had to look inside of herself as well as beyond herself to find ways to survive what felt unbearable. What Barbara Roberts learned during the final year of her husband’s life, and her subsequent years of grieving, fill the pages of this honest and inspiring new book.
At the time of Frank’s cancer recurrence, Barbara was governor of Oregon, and Frank was an Oregon State Senator—both passionately committed to their work and to one another. Together they had faced many challenges, but Frank’s impending death would be their final, and perhaps their most trying and enriching journey. They turned to hospice for guidance and assistance once Frank decided to stop medical intervention.
This practical and compassionate guide explores the personal as well as the societal issues surrounding death and grief. Written for both the individual facing death and for those who must grieve after a death, Roberts offers readers enthusiastic support to abandon the silence that too often accompanies impending death and those who must grieve. Chapter titles include “A Culture in Denial,” “Hospice,” and “Permission to be Weird.”
In this updated second edition, Roberts writes about the many positive changes Americans are making in their attitudes about dying and death in the United States. She discusses the growing movement nationally for states to allow death with dignity and access to physician-assisted death. Roberts writes: “This is an end-of-life issue with which I am quite familiar since I was the Governor of Oregon when Oregonians debated this issue at length in the 1990s.”
In the final chapter of the new edition, What We Can Talk About We Can Make Better, Roberts documents the history of the Death with Dignity movement through 2015. Since then, the movement has continued to grow, state by state, as people understand the importance of end-of-life choices and dying with dignity.
Praise
For years, I have given this book to friends who have, in turn, given it to their friends. And so Barbara Roberts' forthright and gentle wisdom has guided and comforted a growing circle connected in sorrow, and strengthened in compassion. Bless this circle of humanity and bless Barbara Roberts for bringing us together.
Fourteen years after its first publication, Death Without Denial, Grief Without Apology, still remains the go-to book for anyone with a friend or loved one facing a terminal illness. In this second edition, Barbara Roberts adds new and updated information and reflections. Her personal story and insight make this book an easy and comforting read for those facing death and for those grieving, offering practical tools to help and prepare for death and loss.
Former Oregon governor Barbara K. Roberts, who lost her husband to lung cancer eight years ago, has written a guide for those grieving the death of a loved one. Written in a warm, personal tone and drawing on Roberts's own experiences, Death Without Denial, Grief Without Apology: A Guide for Facing Death and Loss counsels readers on coping with the terminal diagnosis, preparing for their loved one's death and grieving in whatever way they feel comfortable. While it's not meant to be a comprehensive guide to the stages of loss, this concise volume should be a comfort to those looking for reassuring words from a fellow mourner. (Feb. 25)
About The Author
A descendant of Oregon Trail pioneers and a fourth generation Oregonian, former Governor Barbara Roberts had carried forth the tradition of trailblazing and innovation. Roberts began her years of public service as an advocate for children with disabilities while she fought for the educational rights of her autistic son. While Roberts was Governor (1991-1995), Oregon was recognized by Financial World Magazine as the seventh best-managed state in the nation. Roberts is also recognized as a strong advocate for environmental management, a national leader for human and civil rights, and an enthusiast of women’s history.
Following thirty years in elective office, Governor Roberts served a decade in higher education: Five years at the Kennedy School of Government at Harvard University and five years at the Hatfield School of Government at Portland State University.
Following thirty years in elective office, Governor Roberts served a decade in higher education: Five years at the Kennedy School of Government at Harvard University, and five years at the Hatfield School of Government at Portland State University. Her most recent accomplishment is the completion of her second book, an autobiography, Up the Capitol Steps: A Woman’s March to the Governorship (Oregon State University Press, 2011). Roberts lives in Portland, Oregon, still active and passionate about the Death with Dignity Movement.
Introduction - Reflections
This is a book I felt long before I wrote it. I wanted to write in plain language so that others might find a source of comfort from my experiences and ideas learned during my husband’s terminal illness, and in my period of grief following his death.
When the first edition of this book was released, I breathed a sigh of relief. It meant my five-year commitment to complete this personal writing journey had come to an end. Or so I thought! Little could I have known that the road my book and I would travel had just begun.
In 2002, I could not yet imagine that my readers would come to trust me, bring me comfort, write long personal letters to me, even embrace me on the street. My small book on death and grief was taking me on an immeasurable heart journey that would reach thousands of people.
The first several book readings I gave were for hospice audiences, both staff and families. I would arrive at a lovely room, chairs all arranged, pretty flowers in vases, a water pitcher and glass at the podium—and boxes of tissue scattered throughout the room. Hospice knew my audiences better than I—at least in the beginning! Oftentimes, there wouldn’t be a dry eye in the audience by the time I finished my reading.
However, as months and years passed, I became bonded to my audiences and to my readers. They openly shared beautiful stories of their own losses and how they grieved. I listened. I wept with them. I held them. I learned that we all carry deep, hidden grief.
As I signed their books some quietly asked questions, or shared a brief story of their own loss. Mostly, I listened. Sometimes, I reassured them that they were not alone, and to give themselves “permission to be weird” as they grieved.
We also talked about urns, headstones, special photographs, and the pain of birthdays, holidays, and wedding anniversaries without their loved ones.
Before long, whether I was speaking at a library, a senior center, a church, or a Rotary Club, I made certain that the boxes of tissues were always there. There is no shame in weeping, and shared tears bring people together.
Nearly fifteen years after the first edition of my book was published, readers facing death and struggling with grief still continually tell me what a comfort my book has been. They say it gives them courage to talk openly to a terminally ill spouse. Many have learned what it means to actually treat time as a gift in the final months of life. Readers continue to share stories of their whole family pre-planning a memorial celebration.
I keep listening and learning. I started as the author; now I have become the student, learning many valuable lessons about life, death, and grief.
My readers have was taught me about the importance of music and laughter at life’s end. Care-giving heroes have tutored me on how to be present, even as death approaches. I have learned the tears you witness are not always about grief. Sometimes they’re about happy memories; sometimes they’re about release.
In story after story, I have been reminded of an essential fact about the dying that hospice had long ago given me: “Hearing is the last sense that a dying person loses.”
Even in a near-death state, a dying person may respond to a question, to the arrival of a loved one, to a whispered comment across the room, to the sound of weeping. They are not gone yet, so be present with them, and talk with them until you know the last breath has been taken.
When the first edition of this book was released, my personal world expanded into a number of new arenas. Due to my husband’s death, I was already familiar with hospice, but I decided to get involved. Later, I became a member of the Oregon Hospice board because I was so grateful and impressed with the support hospice provides. In my time of need, hospice was there for me, so I wanted to give back and support them.
Over the years I have spoken at several end-of-life conferences across the country, in addition to numerous book readings nationwide. I have testified in the state legislatures of Vermont, California, and Washington in support of a Death with Dignity law. I became a volunteer at Portland’s Our House, a community AIDS hospice center. Currently, I serve on the Advisory Board for Compassion and Choices of Oregon.
I am not obsessed with death, but I am dedicated to bringing end-of-death issues “out of the closet.”
And this commitment continues to keep me in touch with individuals and organizations who speak caringly and openly about end-of-life and grief. All of these people continue to be my teachers. And I continue to hope that their lessons have made me more empathetic and more compassionate. I hope some of the amazing wisdom I have witnessed has left me better prepared to open my heart to the needs of those around me.
I will always remain grateful to those who have walked this path with me, and to those who will touch my life in the future as they read this second edition of my book.
May this book offer you something for your mind, your heart, your spirit, and your healing.
—Barbara K. Roberts
Portland, Oregon
September 2015
